Barney 2 on Ice

Facial Gone Wrong

The Jungle Book

Last night, I was watching Discovery Channel and came across an extremely interesting special on Jungle Men. Apparently, a guy named Daniel Hillard lived in the Amazon amongst the monkeys for over twenty years, then randomly decided he wanted to go back and work for his dad’s shoe company. What a moron. Why would he give up his exotic lifestyle for footwear manufacturing?

Regardless of his honorable yet questionable decision to continue the family legacy, this guy was not the best jungle-man. He was a bumbling fool who could hardly get through a day in the suburban New Hampshire environment. These are my reasons for doubting his self-proclaimed "jungleman" status:

1. He was not animal-savvy. He couldn’t deal with the lion, monkeys, stampede, werewolves, anything. He could barely go swimming without getting attacked by an alligator. He didn’t even help when his boyfriend turned into a monkey. He didn’t put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That guy’s gotta think “You got a monkey, you got a responsibility.” If your friend turns into a monkey, you don’t watch him transform for an hour then call it quits. You contact Ms. Lippy immediately, she always has the answer.

2. He wasn’t even friends with the monkeys. I mean, come on. How hard is it to keep a group of monkeys under control and stop them from throwing silverware around? They are his ancestors for crying out loud! He should know how to get on their level! If he were a true jungle man, he would have been able to speak Tamarin, Capuchin, or at LEAST know the dialect of the White-Fronted Spider Monkey, which I believe is the species that resided in the Parrish’s kitchen.

3. How hard is it to kill a mosquito? Yeah, it was large and made an intimidating buzzing noise, but all he had to do was swat it with one of his dreadlocks and it would have died, relieving the gang of a lot of unnecessary stress. He later told the camera crew that he was afraid of getting West Nile. I don’t believe him. I know for a fact he got the vaccine months ago.

4. He was very uncomfortable with typical jungle décor. He was terrified of the vines, extremely frazzled during the light rain, completely baffled when he was being sucked into the quicksand. A true jungle-man would have a few tricks up his sleeve when caught in a sticky situation such as this, but this guy just didn’t cut it. He probably was teased when he was in the jungle for being such a pansy.

In conclusion, I did not approve of this jungle-man's heroic tale because it was 100% false. I know from experience - I myself lived in the jungle for quite some time and I know exactly what it's like. Anyway, this man was a liar and should probably get his pediatric medical license taken away - I mean, dressing up like a clown and putting on a red rubber nose doesn't heal sick children, if anything all it does is make them wish they were dead already.

Ruth

Ruth is a documentary about a phenomenal woman. Ruth was a hard working 48 (okay, 55, but she claimed she was 48) year old lunch lady. Children were her life. She spent her evenings singing in the church choir and the weekends putting on puppet shows for youth in CCD at the Parish. When I say she was and did all these things, I mean she was and did before the incident. That was until she had her first sloppy joe. From the first bite, a love affair began. It has been compared to the love shared between Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. She finally cracked when someone at a church cookout tried to take away her plate with one bite of a sloppy joe left and she smacked a 6 year old girl with a spatula. After she was taken into the police station and refused to admit that she was not, in fact, Mrs. Ruth Sloppy-Joe, she was placed in a mental institution. She is alive to this day but will not respond to anything without adding the words “sloppy joe” onto the end of every sentence.

She has become a popular reference in popular culture, in particular in the college drinking game “Circle of Death” when someone pulls the “rule” card. It is popular to create a rule where someone must end every sentence with “sloppy joe,” and when the rule is forgotten, the perpetrator must chug a whole beer while everyone in the room points, laughs, and makes fun of the “Ruth” in the room.

Danny McGrath

A young man with a troubled past of cross-dressing and getting bullied through high school finally has his heroic moment of glory when he sneaks into the local gymnasium during an Academic Triathalon with his sniper rifle and shoots an angry business man in the ass.

Jurassic Prank

I have a bone to pick with Jurassic Park. No pun intended. (fossils)

Anyway, this is a documentary of the adventures of two small children at their grandfather’s highly dangerous amusement park. Whenever I watch this film I am always shocked to recall that we are descended from dinosaurs, but biology just doesn't lie, and neither does Ross Gellar.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, old man Rivers over here thought it would be a good idea to bring all of his friends and loved ones (children?!) to an island that is infested with dozens of species of dinosaurs. What I find even more puzzling is why he didn't stop this nonsense as soon as it started by using a spell and waving his magic cane. My friend got one of those for Christmas last year and uses it to do pretty much all of his chores with just a wave of the cane. Apparently the mosquito in the cane was crafted by God himself.

First of all, John Hammond didn’t even do adequate research. You would think he would have for the amount of money he spent on this place… Anyways, Malcolm X had to take the reigns and discover the fact that the frogs were cross-dressers, and moreover, transgendered. This led to the inevitable flirting between the dinos, causing them to mate and reproduce. This was the main cause of the eventual collapse of the theme park. I would have liked to see a baby T-Rex, however. That was a major flaw in the movie and would have made it much more enjoyable. I have heard from reliable sources (the Onion.com) that the baby T-Rex wasn’t available for filming at the time the documentary was being made. Apparently they weren’t going to pay him enough or provide TiVo in his trailer. Instead he took a one season stint as a recurring guest star on the show “Phil of the Future.” (He wasn’t even very good in it…)

Second of all, everyone knows that Velociraptors are experts at navigating dining halls and kitchens. They may be old, but they’re wise beyond their years especially when it comes to culinary interior design. The two children were idiots to attempt to hide in the cabinets. Those creatures are not stupid. They know that you’re just banging the spoon on the ground as a distraction.

Third of all, Timmy was just annoying as fuck. Timmy was definitely the downfall of this entire story, for the following reasons:

• His voice was squeaky
• He often made noises that caught the dinosaurs’ attention
• He was way too obsessed with Alan
• Why didn’t he just let go when he KNEW the power was coming back on the electrical fence? He wasn’t even that high up! He basically willingly electrocuted himself, causing the group to slow down and wait around for his fried self
• WHY WOULD YOU TURN A FLASHLIGHT ON WHEN YOU ARE HIDING FROM A TYRANNOSAURUS REX?

Fourth of all, so was Melissa Joan Hart, but it’s obvious how she got cast. The casting call must have advertised “Looking for annoying blonde girl about Melissa Joan Hart or Kirsten Dunst’s age who can tap spoon well and scream in the face of a T-Rex.”

Fifth of all, I was very upset with the soap-opera aspect of the movie. I never felt like I had a firm grasp on Alan Grant and Ellie Sattler's relationship. Were they dating? Were they cousins? And when Malcolm was insinuating that he thought Sattler was hot, Grant quickly interjected with a harsh look and a tilt of the head. That doesn't mean anything and I'm sure Malcolm was as confused as I was. I was rooting for Malcolm and Ellie to hook up in the end, but they never did. I think Timmy was their secret love child.

Sixth of all, while this movie on the whole contains alot of discrepancies, it is not lacking in puns. My favorite one is when Samuel L. Jackson says "Hold onto your butts" while trying to reboot the system. He is talking about everyones butts and his cigarette butts. This is be cause he is afraid that this system reboot will literally scare the shit out of everyone. He is also preparing to drop his cigarette butt in surprise if it works. This pun works on so many levels and it very well may be the only good part of this movie.

And lastly, I really hate the part when Samuel L. Jackson's arm falls on Ellie. Did the raptor place it there? I mean I know they are clever, cunning, and great at chess but I didn't realize they had mastered the art of scare tactics. I know, I was excited because I thought he was finally making a move on her (for the record, she seemed so relieved and happy when his arm felt her up) but apparently this was just another raptor move. I wonder what the motive was there... I guess we'll never know. I suppose I could write into Oprah about it but she may not know.

I would give this movie 5 mosquito bites out of 10. I liked it until Jeff Goldblum's daughter showed up and literally fucked the entire thing up by bringing Harriet the Skype who is obsessed with her journal.

For my final remark, I would nominate Newman as the best character. I really thought he brought his character to life with his scheming, beady eyes. Plus the love scene with the small dinosaur in his jeep was just the most beautiful cinematography I've ever seen.

Or at least thats how I saw it.

Juanita

An overweight African American woman struggles at her job as a maid because she is madly in love with her boss's son. She constantly tries to show her affection by asking him to stay home from school and even offering to take her clothes off for him. Alas, she finds that he only has eyes for his school teacher. Somehow she finds the will to continue on, eventually finding comfort in her opera singing on the back porch of the mansion.

Or at least that's how I saw it.

Mr. Doubtfire

This is a review and serious criticism of the family favorite, Mrs. Doubtfire

This movie has a classic and tragic beginning, of course Robbin Williams and his wife who has osteoporosis divorce because of a carnival birthday party. All joking aside, why was Matilda in this movie? I really thought Danny Devito kept her on a really short leash. Also, I would expect Miss Honey to be positively stuck in thought about where Matilda is..since shes the only one who actually cares about her in the whole world. Isn't the Trunchbull gonna be upset about this? Matilda probably got sent right back to the chokey when she returned from filming this movie.

Back to the zoo themed birthday bash. I was immediately confused as to why there ducks and rabbits just hopping around outside. The owner of these animals probably wouldn't want them to escape yet they aren't on a leash or even being monitored?! And a goat eating begonias! Why aren't these dangerous animals in a cage or wearing an electric collar?

After watching this movie 45 times in the span of 5 days, I think I finally understand, why the Hilliard's actually got a divorce. It wasn't because of the goat eating Miranda's begonias. It wasn't because the mom had to reach under a donkey to unplug the boom box. It wasn't because that nasty old lady neighbor interrupted her meeting to tell her about that dumb party. Oh no. When Miranda Hilliard walked into that crazy bumpin party, she heard her favorite song of all time. Yes, "Jump Around" was her and Robbin's wedding song. When she walked in and saw her husband, disgusting son, and random boy doing the same choreographed dance that she made up, she lost it. What a sad day for Jack.

Anyways. There are a few other memorable parts to this movie that are stuck in my mind on repeat (because I kept rewinding and playing them over). The first is the bizarre show the kids are watching where the persons face is made of clay and someone is pulling the skin all around. The kids look disgusted. I really must know what the plot of the show is!? Modern Day Mummies? People Clawing at Clay Faces? Whatever it is, I would like to watch it.

Another interesting scene is the restaurant scene where Mrs. Doubtfire is transformed into the creepy old man from One Hour Photo. First of all, when Daniel goes into the kitchen to put pepper on James Bond's food... why does no one notice that HUGE football player sized woman in there? I mean I suppose shes wearing an apron.. but when she yells out Hot Jambalaya! in a man's voice no one thinks this is strange...? Do they normally have a 60 year old woman in the kitchen just running around spicing up dishes for people? Dont even get me started on the Heimlich manouver scene...

My absolute favorite scene is the meeting with Mr. Londey at the reataurant. Mr. Londey is the most unprofessional man in the world. He downs like 10 shots of whiskey the first time he meets with Daniel and also gets him drunk. Then he asks for help on a booty call...what? He must have been drunk to believe Robbin Williams' lipstick story (ran into an old girlfriend...?) Anyways Mrs. Doubtfire gets drunk and screws everything up and then looks really creepy in the end. Then he wakes up and realizes its all a dream, not a board game and that he really loves his parents.

Or at least, thats how I saw it.

From my favorite news website:


Interesting...

Alice in Wonderharvard

One of the better movies I've seen recently was "Alice in Wonderland," directed by Tim Burton. If you don't know him, Tim is famous his portrayal of Scott Calvin in "The Santa Clause." This story follows the trials and tribulations of an average-joe with a knack for repairing things. Naturally, he starts his own repair TV show called Tool Academy on VH1. He originally wanted it to be on Nickelodeon but The Muppets took up his time-slot.

Anyways, "Alice in Wonderland" is about a blonde girl who desperately wants to shed her ditzy image and become a lawyer. However, her dark-haired enemy is busy ruining her plans by sleeping with her love-interest, wealthy and scheming Ryan Phillipe. Alice becomes frustrated and turns her attention to the Mad Hatter, played by Willy Wonka aka Gene Wilder. Alice and The Hatter embark on a wonderful adventure full of rabbits, hedgehogs, and a trio of singing chipmunks.

They go through a series of humorous obstacles. First, they fall through a hole in a tree and discover Christmastown, which is a nice change from their usual Halloween-themed residence. Second, they come across a timid man with scissors for hands and teach him the meaning of love. Third, they attempt to control a sarcastic dead man with green hair and a striped suit as he attempts to scare a nice suburban couple with his ghostly antics. When they finally stop the quick-witted beetle, Alice and The Hatter decide they’ve had enough chaos in their lives.

After an emotional goodbye and one last night of passion with The Hatter, Alice leaves Neverland and never has to worry about those troublesome pirates again.

Or, at least that's how I saw it.

The Talented Mr Old Gregg

This is a review of the widely known YouTube m00vie, Old Gregg.

Old Gregg was that actor’s only claim to fame. Though, now that I think about it, he was one of the professors at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter films. As you may know, Robert Pattinson was in Harry Potter. I never really understood why there was an entire school dedicated to vampires.

I mean, obviously, Vampires need proper schooling to become werewolves. After nine months of training, they create a cocoon for themselves and months later, a werewolf comes out! There is only one famous vampire in all of history, he is called The Boy Who Lived. No one knows his real name, well except for He Who Must Not Be Named. But he's been long gone. He was a prince of a country in Europe and was killed with his life partner in a limo crash. There is a rumor going around that the paparrazzi caused them to crash. Lady Gaga created this rumor, and subsequently wrote a song about it. Her producer was famous rapper Notorious BIG who actually died from a sad disease that Tom Hanks also had, when he woke up and instead of being 30 he was 78. It is an awful disease, Brad Pitt also died from it. Well he didnt die from that but he had it, and actually died when he choked on a button. It was the saddest day... he was such a cute baby. Even though he died an old man.

I only knew one werewolf named Hugh Jackman. His brother, Hugh Grant, fortunately escaped this terrible werewolf disease but became a terribly annoying British man with constant woman troubles. In fact, in his latest film “Did You Hear About the Morgans?” he waltzes around New York City with Sarah Jessica Parker in search of her two sisters who happen to be witches that have risen from the dead. One of them, Sabrina, has discovered that not only is she completely clueless in the city but can’t seem to find a good social crowd. Luckily, Zach Morris falls in love with her and takes her to the prom where she is humiliated when a bucket of blood is dumped on her head by the Plastics.

Or at least that's how I saw it.